Poems Options

[TEEEEE!]

AmiTEEEE, again this is really good stuff and it conveys the writer (or the subject of the poem) extremely well.

But I am going to put your artistic skillz to the test and see if you are not just a one dimensional writer. I request a poem about positive change and an optimistic outlook for the future. I'll even accept one about anger if is constructive anger. In other words "I am going to show them" anger.

We shall soon see if "The A-m-i to the TEEEEEEE!" is the complete package in her writing or not.

And I am being serious about my compliments on your poem as well as my request/challenge.

[Ang Monique]

--reality--

Mops in dirty water
Garbage in the dumpster
Scum stuck on the plates
That's how they make her feel

Day after day
Torture and terror
Physical or emotional
Stable; unable

Dress up, pretend
Smile, happiness
Everything’s perfect
That irresistible urge

Back up, into reality
Depression, walking
Through these halls
Pushed from side to side

Wanting to die
Masks and so much more
Cover that angelic face
It’s all a dream, no -- reality --

Pretty awsome! I think this is my favorite! Constructive thoughts I have: In the first stanza, "That's how they make her feel" gives too much away. You don't want to keep it a mystery (like my "She." I've been told I have a problem with obscurity), but you don't necessarily want to come directly out and say "This is how I feel." Let your feelings show through the symbols/metaphors you use. I like the rest of that entire stanza. I think the mops and the garbage and the scum really give us a good impression of how she feels. I mean, it's a really good image! I would suggest maybe... do mention the "her" in that line, but don't mention the "feel"... Like put her in, to let the audience know she's there, but let the description do the feeling... Does that make any sense? I've been told I'm too obscure. That's very true. lol (IMG:style_emoticons/default/happy.gif) Also, the last stanza is a little too direct, again. Just the "wanting to die," I think. But I like the last line... I'm just giving a few pointers, as a whole the poem rocks!! I love the "through these halls" part! Really great job!

And thanks for the kind words about mine. I'm still working on it, but I think I like the concept...

[amity]

I Wish This Poem Were Pixie Dust

I wish this poem were pixie dust
To throw into your eyes
And make you see the loveliness
Beneath my sad disguise.

And I would take you in my arms
And weave a magic spell
That I could utter anytime
To make you love me well.

But alas my simple words
Are like summer rain
That drums on hills and fields and hearts,
Then vanishes again.

And though my love might make you bloom,
You turn with fragile grace
To gaze in aching loneliness
At someone else's face.

We lust for what we cannot have,
A long, unbroken chain
Of lovers who remain unloved
And loved who love in vain.

While I'm near mad with wanting you
As trees must have the sun,
You cannot help but find a love
Who loves another one.

This post has been edited by amity: Apr 13 2007, 02:34 PM

[amity]

Pretty awsome! I think this is my favorite! Constructive thoughts I have: In the first stanza, "That's how they make her feel" gives too much away. You don't want to keep it a mystery (like my "She." I've been told I have a problem with obscurity), but you don't necessarily want to come directly out and say "This is how I feel." Let your feelings show through the symbols/metaphors you use. I like the rest of that entire stanza. I think the mops and the garbage and the scum really give us a good impression of how she feels. I mean, it's a really good image! I would suggest maybe... do mention the "her" in that line, but don't mention the "feel"... Like put her in, to let the audience know she's there, but let the description do the feeling... Does that make any sense? I've been told I'm too obscure. That's very true. lol (IMG:style_emoticons/default/happy.gif) Also, the last stanza is a little too direct, again. Just the "wanting to die," I think. But I like the last line... I'm just giving a few pointers, as a whole the poem rocks!! I love the "through these halls" part! Really great job!

And thanks for the kind words about mine. I'm still working on it, but I think I like the concept...

Wow, thanks, andI'll def working on the obscurity thing. I wrote this all down in abouot 10 minutes and then posted it straight from there. So, I mean, it can still be worked on a bit. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[amity]

AmiTEEEE, again this is really good stuff and it conveys the writer (or the subject of the poem) extremely well.

But I am going to put your artistic skillz to the test and see if you are not just a one dimensional writer. I request a poem about positive change and an optimistic outlook for the future. I'll even accept one about anger if is constructive anger. In other words "I am going to show them" anger.

We shall soon see if "The A-m-i to the TEEEEEEE!" is the complete package in her writing or not.

And I am being serious about my compliments on your poem as well as my request/challenge.

Ok I'll start working on it. I have ACT tomorrow and I'm kinda burnt out tonight from a feild meet today, but I'll work on an get it to you within the next week. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) I shall .... hmm... impress TEEE!

[TEEEEE!]

Ok I'll start working on it. I have ACT tomorrow and I'm kinda burnt out tonight from a feild meet today, but I'll work on an get it to you within the next week. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) I shall .... hmm... impress TEEE!

Cool! I can't wait to read it.

Don't kill yourself hurrying to get it done. Take your time on meeting my challenge. There is no time limit on it.

Put on some upbeat music with an optimistic vibe which will get you into the proper frame of mind when you are thinking about writing it. The beat in your head more often than not determines your mood.

[amity]

Cool! I can't wait to read it.

Don't kill yourself hurrying to get it done. Take your time on meeting my challenge. There is no time limit on it.

Put on some upbeat music with an optimistic vibe which will get you into the proper frame of mind when you are thinking about writing it. The beat in your head more often than not determines your mood.

Yup. I am not and will not hurry on it. If I rush..it'll suck. lol

Yeah.. I need to listen to more ubeat music.. like TK, lol....

listen to music
there's this guy named Toby Keith
his music kicks ***

I'm not good at those things... lol

[Ang Monique]

Wow, thanks, andI'll def working on the obscurity thing. I wrote this all down in abouot 10 minutes and then posted it straight from there. So, I mean, it can still be worked on a bit. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Totally! I only made those comments because I really do like the poem. I think it has great potential, just needs a little nudge in the right direction. But again, don't be too obscure. That's my problem. I'm trying to find the balance myself. I offer advice, not because I'm a master of poetry! lol! But because it's the sort of things I've learned from experienced writers. I'm just passing on what I've been taught.

I really like "Pixie Dust"!! You really do have a lot of talent. Keep writing! The more you write the better you get--that goes for all of us.

[Ang Monique]

Since I'm almost done with school this semester, I suddenly find myself having a lot more free time. Therefore I've been writing a lot more. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/happy.gif) Anyway, I wrote this yesterday; it's a work in progress. It is sort of a response to having one of my poems published in our school's literary magazine. My friend also has a poem in it, and she is just incredible. I was a little jealous of her talent, in a loving way. So I wrote this:

The Poet House

At the beach house,
you are a Sappho, Plath, and Dickenson.
At our poets' retreat,
you are a poem--
a sluice of incantations and litanies of time--
a poem I will never write.
In the bare morning,
I reach arms about
your shadows,
clutching at the fine hairs of
your inspiration.

Vicarious,
I am a poet too. On the beach
we leave imprints in the sand.
I tread lightly behind you,
matching each foot to each print.
At the rows of lettered keys,
within the poet house--
rows of symbols I never learned--
I usurp your hands for my moment.
It is as easy as print;
I am a Xerox of time.

Waves wash impetuously
around the poet house,
inspiration
runs in saltwater.
I paint
the distant schooner;
you feel, describe, alter, and expose
the distant schooner.
Our schooner
sails out to sea.
Salt leaves a tangible taste on my tongue...

--your lips are cracked with exertion!
There is nothing I can do,
I, the salt-lipped and dry.
Just arms, am I,
arms encircled on the schooner deck,
drying, quivering arms
enfolded around your neck.
How did we get from the poet house?
We swam,
through salt-filled waves,
and the salt dries and cakes under the sun.

On the deck of the schooner
we cling,
two poets, sticking-salty
to each other.
Surrounded by ocean,
spurts of whale breath,
us, drying on the deck.
Then you are flown by
a bout of sea breeze,
flown into the waves,
a ragdoll, into the water.

Salted, I dry and stick
to the decaying boards of the schooner.
There goes my poet, out to sea.

This post has been edited by Ang Monique: Apr 15 2007, 09:41 AM

[N3wY0rk_Hick]

I really dont like poems but I like that one. thanks

[amity]

The Poet House

That's a really good poem. Yes, it's good. I love it Angie. lol

I believe tonight I shal (maybe) asking you a few questions on a poem I had to write in English today. Man, it sucks! lol That is if you are online. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[Ang Monique]

Ask away! And thanks!!

[Ang Monique]

I wrote this today, so I thought I'd share. It's a little bleak.

Stitching Songs

And when I’m home:
I hear her crying in the next room,
crying over broken needles;
another project,
seems the seams have come apart
again. I wait
in the kitchen,
feeling out a dinner song,
feeling the rhythm of my own existence,
feeling the tumbling existence
of her in the next room,
my mother’s stitching song,
incomplete without the tears.
Incomplete projects
strewn, half-sewn,
red-white-black fabric,
tattered across the living room floor.
Mother’s stitching song,
I don’t know the words;
I don’t care to learn.
My own kitchen song
is enough.

[amity]

I wrote this today, so I thought I'd share. It's a little bleak.

Stitching Songs

I like it! It's really good Ang, I promise! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[amity]

AmiTEEEE, again this is really good stuff and it conveys the writer (or the subject of the poem) extremely well.

But I am going to put your artistic skillz to the test and see if you are not just a one dimensional writer. I request a poem about positive change and an optimistic outlook for the future. I'll even accept one about anger if is constructive anger. In other words "I am going to show them" anger.

We shall soon see if "The A-m-i to the TEEEEEEE!" is the complete package in her writing or not.

And I am being serious about my compliments on your poem as well as my request/challenge.

I wrote it during 7th period. (What a great class to not pay attn in...when you have a C)

In the Face of My Shadows

when you want to die
and just end this life
of sorrow and tears
you gotta
smile and be happy
live like you just don't care
turn a frown upside down
and don't let anyone put you down
you're the best of the best and
that's the way you wanna live
so be happy and jopyful
and live like you just
don't have a care
you could die right here, right now
but you still gotta live -- so
it's my life and I'm gonna live it
like I just don't give a damn!

--------
thanks to Angie for the title! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

This post has been edited by amity: Apr 23 2007, 04:01 PM

[TEEEEE!]

I wrote it during 7th period. (What a great class to not pay attn in...when you have a C)

In the Face of My Shadows

when you want to die
and just end this life
of sorrow and tears
you gotta
smile and be happy
live like you just don't care
turn a frown upside down
and don't let anyone put you down
you're the best of the best and
that's the way you wanna live
so be happy and jopyful
and live like you just
don't have a care
you could die right here, right now
but you still gotta live -- so
it's my life and I'm gonna live it
like I just don't give a damn!

--------
thanks to Angie for the title! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

GREAT JOB AmiTEEEEEEE! I'm VERY happy to see some fire and defiance in the face of emotional pain from you!! A theme ripped right from the pages of Toby, Kid Rock, Miranda Lambert, Big And Rich and David Allan Coe!

Not only from that band of crazies but from Martina as well if you have not noticed!

You also showed that you have some diversity in the emotions that you can write about which is nice to see. You should keep this trend up!

Thanks for fufilling my request! I do appreciate it!

[amity]

You're welcome TEEE! I think I may try to keep this up for a bit.

I'm real shocked that you didn't chew me out for writing it during 7th period... lol

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[TEEEEE!]

You're welcome TEEE! I think I may try to keep this up for a bit.

I'm real shocked that you didn't chew me out for writing it during 7th period... lol

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Ha! Ha! I was actually going to give you some grief about it but with a new attitude from you I decided to let that slide.

[amity]

I'm SHOCKED!!!!

I'll PM you with my grades since I got grade cards today. lol

[Ang Monique]

Ah, but what class is 7th period? Sometimes it's justified... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif)

And fabulous job! So tough and in-your-face, but optimistic. It would actually make a great song...

And glad I could help with the title! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/happy.gif)